Families Anonymous

[Bette]

Hi
Can anyone offer any thoughts?
I have just heard that my son is in prison for the first time. (Confirmed by the prison chaplain)
I don't know why, of for how long. I have had little contact with my son for some time. I have been slowly stepping out of his way.

I am expecting him to contact me by phone at some point. He has done this twice already but I have missed both calls.

My instincts are telling me to remain distant, not to visit or become involved at all, and not to visit him if he asks.

This sounds harsh, but my thoughts are that if I do allow myself to become involved, the message for my son will be that I will do the same again if he finds himself in prison for a second or third time! Will that help his recovery? I doubt it. All I could offer in this case would be encouragement and love from afar, via phone or letter.

I suppose I am fighting the guilt feelings again! My head says one thing, my heart could so easily allow me to say another!

Anyone out there with experience have any thoughts please?
WLITF
Bette

[maureen]

Hi Bette,

My daughter has been in prison three times ( my visiting obviously didn't help). I visited, took her clothes, sent her money and generally put myself through torture. It was heartbreaking to see her in that position. I am convinced that she manipulated me through all of this (because I allowed her to).
I don't think it helped her in the long run. I now feel that I was sending her all the wrong messages.
Since then I have told her that I will never set foot in a prison to visit her again, and that she should not contact me if she did once again end up there.
Thankfully since then both our lives have improved. She is now clean and seems to be moving on with her life, but I really don't think that I helped the situation. I just prolonged the agony!
I have since spoken to someone who spent time in prison himself, and he told me that prison provides everything anyone needs (just not the luxuries). There is help there for prisoners, if they want it. It has to be up to them in the end if they want to access this.

I am not trying to give you any advice. I am just telling you my experiences.

Thinking of you. x

[Bette]

Hi Maureen
Thank you for your reply.
I need to know these things.
I have missed another call from my son so I think it is my HP intervening! He has chosen each time not to leave me a voicemail. I suspect he knows he will have more impact when we speak directly.

My thoughts remain the same. I want to remain strong and not be involved at all. The occasional guilt feelings will continue I suspect. I am learning to accept them and shift my thought process onto another topic!
Not easy, but with practice it works.

I will welcome anybody else's thoughts please.
WLITF
Bette